How To Show You Like Someone By Using And

Wendy, today I got so {expletive deleted} by a Team Member’s snide comments.
Do I just have to sit and take this?
Or should I transfer to another Team?

Or drop?
I am not willing to listen to the person degrade others.
Maybe I have a personality conflict.
Regardless, I won’t be using or referring to this person — EVER.
Am I wrong?

Signed, Angry. REALLY REALLY ANGRY. Really.

Dear Angry, thank you for speaking up. 
You’re not the only person who feels this way.
I promise.

Which means this is an opportunity for you to do something
no one else has done in this situation: take the lead.

Here’s what you need to know:
Since 2007 the research has shown clearly that
people do business with
and refer to
people who like them.

Watch that, it’s not a mistake – it’s not
people like them, it’s
people who like them.

This is different than the 1980’s mantra
“People do business with people they know, like and trust.”
And it’s different than the 2000’s mantra
“People do business with people they like, and people who are like them.”

This is: People do business with people who [they think] like them.

Hummm.
{pause to ponder}

If you take the lead on this, each of the other Members on your Team
will think you like them,
because they’ll feel like you’re standing up for them.
This is a lot of liking!
This is a good thing.

So what action do you need to take to get this huge [huge, I tell you!] benefit?

Have a couple of conversations with Rude Member.
(Okay, it might be more than a couple. It might take 11.)

AND
you can get Rude Member’s liking while you’re doing it!
In other words, there is absolutely no downside for you;
AND there’s a huge [huge, I tell you!] up side!

The key is to use the word “and” instead of the word “but”.

Use  a variation on Arryn Simon’s template for difficult conversations. (Described here.)
After the meeting say: 

“Name, when you put people down,
the way you did today, when you said
people in ____ industry are not reliable,
it makes me think of all the people I will never refer to you,
AND
I know that’s not the result you’re looking for.”

Do this after the meeting, standing shoulder-to-shoulder (not knee-cap to knee-cap)
then stick out your hand and say “I’d want you to tell me if I was doing something offensive.”
shake hands, and walk away.

That’s it.
Do it.

Here’s why it creates liking:
Worst case scenario for this person is that someone brings this to the MembershipCore,
and they terminate this person’s membership.
Ouch.

It happens.

When I have a conversation with them, afterward, they always [always, 100% of the time] say
“Shouldn’t someone have told me? Shouldn’t someone have talked to me about this?”

The answer is: no.
Team Member’s aren’t our parents or our boss.
We come to the table as peers.

So when you, dear Angry, take the initiative to have the conversation,
you’re showing Rude Member that you like them.
[Really. That’s how they’ll see it.
You did for them what no one else would do.]

And they’ll think you like them.
And your result will be referrals.

Go make money – W!

 PS – for the past 19 years Phil Pennartz, on the Perimeter Team, has been the person willing to have these kinds of difficult conversations. He’s done it with me. If he comes up beside you, puts his arm around you, and squeezes, he’s about to give you information that no one else will. Say thank you. Be eternally grateful. I always am. And I know his Team values him because of this, too.

PS2 – Phil isn’t the only person I’ve seen do this. Strong Teams often have a Member who is willing to do the difficult thing. It’s what makes the Team strong.

 

 

 

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