The language of compassion is a tool I teach as a coparenting coach. The fourth and final step in The Language of Compassion is to request a specific response. This means asking the person we’re struggling with if they’re willing to do, say, or act differently. By this point, we’re clear on what we don’t want, which helps us identify what we do want. The key is to frame it as a request, not a demand—this increases the chance they’ll be open and willing to agree.

Pam created this script to use with her ex: The kids tell me that they don’t eat lunch and are hungry on Mondays. I get sad when the kids share this. It’s really important to me that our kids feel full after lunch. Would you be willing to speak with them about foods they like?

When your friend says their ex keeps shutting them down, gently ask how they made the request. Sometimes, simply asking if someone is willing can make all the difference.